by Seana McGee and Maurice Taylor
Love’s journey is not static; it’s a process that consists of three distinct and absolutely predictable phases. Couples either progress through these or, like so many of our ill-prepared traditional foremothers and -fathers, get stuck somewhere in the middle. The New Couple calls these stages of love “intoxication,” “power struggle” and “co-creativity.”
The intoxication stage, which lasts roughly two weeks to two years, is a high and memorable time for most partners. These are our days of wine and roses, when the mere prospect of seeing, or hearing the voice of our beloved, is capable of producing a thrill. For many of us, it is the only time we let ourselves lapse into a fantasy of being in and feeling unconditional and perfect love. The ultimate anesthetic, this first stage of romantic love has the power, at least temporarily, to blot out the pain of our insecurities and imperfections — hence its bittersweet name.
Nevertheless, the intoxication stage of relationship ends; and it’s supposed to end, as night replaces day, though few of us accept this fact. Instead, we confuse what is really an ephemeral state with true love — and blame ourselves or our partner for its dissolution. That’s why it’s impossible to over-emphasize the need for couples to expect the passing of this period, to prepare for the onset of the second stage, and to be assured that much greater things are in store.
Traditionally, the second stage of relationship — power struggle — has gotten a bad rap, characterized as either a war zone or an occupied territory. It has been so confounding for so long that this period of partnership has come to be seen as synonymous with romantic commitment itself. And yet, of course, it isn’t. The power struggle is just a phase – something we all go through, like adolescence or “the terrible two’s.” The problem in previous generations was that most couples didn’t have the luxury of the education or tools to “resolve” this touchy phase of relationship. That meant it went on — as it still does for many of us — till death or divorce.
On its surface, the power struggle is just that — the point in a relationship when, no matter how much each of us would like to deny it, those dreaded conflicts start to emerge. Unfortunately but predictably, the euphoria of oneness and complete acceptance erodes, we “get used to” each other, and dissatisfaction seeps into a crucible that might once have seemed impenetrable. Often, to the embarrassment of both of us, we regress into two pouty, competitive children, each one evidencing unfair or simply unbearable behaviors, and putting forth, openly or surreptitiously, our unconscious, irrational agendas of “Me first,” “I want, I want,” “Leave me alone” or “Please don’t leave me at all.” If our tiffs are noisy, we’re most likely headed for firefights; if the disagreements are quiet enough that they can be ignored, freezeouts lie ahead.
Either way, Beloved has become Beloved Enemy. No longer our precious salve, our partner now seems the salt in our wounds. Though to the unenlightened among us, this second stage may seem like a dirty trick, this isn’t the case. For whether we know it or not, the power struggle has surprisingly little to do with our mate. Rather, it’s predominantly a flashback, a further act within the incomplete drama of our younger years, which has found in our adult relationship a second stage upon which to enact itself. Once we recognize and learn from this fact, the power struggle can become the most healing and empowering period in our adult lives, enriching our significant relationships.
Certainly, the passage of time alone never transports any of us out of the middle stage of relationship. Still, this stage can be brought to a conclusive and beneficial end. In fact, the bulk of The New Couple is dedicated to teaching partners how to do this — how to move on, as soon as possible, to wondrous co-creativity. The way out is always through, which in this case means committing to The Ten New Laws of Love — that is, to the “work of relationship.” New Couples are specifically asked to learn a basic relationship skill set and undertake two ongoing processes. The skills are these: emotional literacy, which includes emotional awareness and fluency; deep listening; anger management; conflict resolution; and negotiation. The processes are individuation, which involves becoming emotional peers with the members of our family-of-origin and resolving transference, a kind of ghost-busting, which entails interrupting our unconscious tendency to try to work out with our partners unresolved early relationships with our primary caregivers.
Together, The New Couple skills and processes are the nuts and bolts of The New Couple system. A sure formula for keeping our precious chemistry alive, they also help us avoid creating relationships that either replicate traditional marriages or are knee-jerk reactions to them. And while becoming a New Couple is not an overnight affair, the skills and processes required can be easily and successfully learned over time. Furthermore, they don’t require a perfect performance, just a genuine commitment. Apollo 11, the first successful lunar landing, was on course only three percent of the time — and it made it safely both ways!
The work of relationship is never entirely over — for all couples are works in progress. Still, it gets much easier — and soon the “wow of relationship,” which we experience when our initial chemistries actually endure, is on its way. And, as those of us who commit to The Ten New Laws of Love notice, the power struggle does yield to co-creativity — which, most emphatically, is not a mythic state. Almost imperceptibly, as day replaces night, and sometimes even before we expect it, interdependence becomes reflexive and a greater peace prevails between us — yet never at the price of passion. Emotional intimacy is our way of life together, our ability to love and honor ourselves expands, and our individual missions are firmly on the march.
If we’ve chosen parenthood, one of the major benefits of our intention to cross into this last stretch of the relationship journey is the trickle-down effect that co-creativity has on our children. Although it’s still not adequately recognized, functional couples make functional parents. The most powerful parenting technique we can use — and the most positive gift we can offer our children — is the role-model of genuine partnership — a union in which each partner not only loves and respects but openly champions the other.
As we move out of the power struggle and tap the potential of our couple, our mutual focus shifts away from problems and avoidances in our relationship and turns toward further exciting adventures and greater purpose. (If ever the world needed every partner’s solid and heartfelt contribution, it’s now!) No matter the glitches and backslides, when we commit to pole-vaulting out of the power struggle with the help of The Ten New Laws of Love, a soft landing in co-creativity is just ahead. As we create a life we love with the love of our life, we’re able finally to celebrate both our priceless individuality and a stellar connection.
We wish you joy and success in the creation of your New Couple!
